Feeling Blessed

Last week I cried every night because I didn’t want to leave my sixth graders.  Like one of my girls said, it seemed unfair that “they make you work here, you get attached to us, and then they make you leave.”  Suddenly what I had been looking forward to in my second placement couldn’t make up for the painful feeling of leaving my students so soon.  But in trying to distract myself with the power of great stories, I came across this quote at the end of Rudolfo Anaya’s Bless Me, Ultima:

“I ran to preserve those moments when beauty mingled with sadness and flowed through my soul like the stream of time.”

No words could have spoken to me more clearly about the situation at hand. Yes, it’s sad and painful to leave, but how beautiful is the reason that it’s painful? I fell in love with my job, with these kids, and feel so blessed that I care about something so much. When did I become the luckiest person I know?

When one boy – who I only knew from homeroom – cried because I was leaving that day or when kids hugged me goodbye and signed a thank you card for me, I felt more loved than I have ever felt in my life. This is where the rough years completely melt away… I’m in love with my career and in a relationship with someone I fall more in love with every day. I would hate me if I weren’t me. I’m afraid just by writing this that I could jinx this happy life. For now I’ll just keep teaching, loving, laughing, playing, writing, and reading.

With that being said, I’ll leave you with a comment my brother, who I am thrilled to have visiting me this week, said to me yesterday after I made a shoot me face about his friends studying finance and accounting. “Of course you hate finance, you live in the world of Stardust.” Indeed I do, and this is why:

“It’s not irrelevant, those moments of connection, those places where fiction saves your life. It’s the most important thing there is.” – Neil Gaimon

It’s a beautiful world in which I live.

2012

I am having a sad day because this is my last week of my first student teaching placement.  Tomorrow I’m going to meet my new cooperating teacher and tour my new school (which is an independent special ed school specializing in verbal and nonverbal communication problems).  I’m really excited to start my new placement, but I keep choking up every time I think about leaving my current sixth graders.  When I told my ELA class that I was leaving after this week, one girl said, “You just broke my heart,” and that’s exactly how I feel about it, too.  These kids, they crawled deep under my skin.  I feel like I’m being physically ripped apart from them.

Anyway, to help cheer me up for the moment, I wanted to make a list of eleven favorite things from 2011.

1. Getting to know my students while student teaching
2. Watching my childhood best friend get married in August
3. Seeing Paul McCartney in concert
4. Watching two good friends marry each other in May
5. Reading Harry Potter (again) with Eric
6. Skiing almost every weekend in the winter (remember when we used to get snow?)
7. Road trips to DC, Montreal, and Mont Tremblant
8. Making Eric’s now six-month-old nephew laugh and smile
9. Reading 40 books for myself (33 plus all of Harry Potter again)
10. Crossing the wake while waterskiing this summer
11. Spending time with friends and family in the city, upstate, and in NH

As far as my personal commitments for 2011 went, I was relatively successful.

Ten Personal Commitments for 2011

1. To get my own apartment (with boyfriend) Which is happening in March
2. To get myself in shape enough so that I won’t be out of breath when walking up to the subway…and so I’ll be able to waterski with better success this summer
3. To take a downhill ski lesson because it has been ages, and I would really like to keep up better with my boyfriend and family Didn’t happen, but Eric helped me improve my technique a lot
4. To travel to and thoroughly explore one place I have never been before
5. To improve relationships with family members Still room for improvement
6. To write and read often for myself (not just for school)
7. To overcome some symptoms of anxiety and claustrophobia that have been coming up more often lately
8. To complain less (because I honestly have little to complain about) Still room for improvement
9. To spend less time watching TV
10. To start working with kids on a regular basis in some way

For 2012, my personal commitments are:

1. To make myself a home in my new apartment
2. To find a teaching job that supports my teaching philosophies next fall
3. To continue the good habits I started in 2011 (reading for myself and cutting back on TV and whining)
4. To graduate from Bank Street with a stellar thesis in hand
5. To do something active every weekend
6. To visit friends in San Francisco
7. To improve my classroom management skills
8. To reach out to family members and friends more often
9. To take advantage of cultural activities in New York (while I’m still a student)
10. To cook more often and make my lunch at least once a week

Wish me luck!

Some Thoughts While I Procrastinate My Grad School Work…

At this point, I don’t think I can imagine doing any other job but teaching in a middle school.  As many times as it can be frustrating or physically and emotionally challenging, there are as many moments where a student will run down the hall or across a classroom to hug me.  I’ve never had a job where it mattered so much to someone when I was there or not.  I’ve been exhausted, stressed out, anxious, and frustrated over and over again this semester (though that has more to do with my coursework than teaching), but I still leave school most days with an overwhelming feeling of hope and exhilaration. I feel like the kids I teach and the teachers I collaborate with have become my family in a few short months.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to handle leaving them in January.  I’m definitely looking forward to my next placement in special education, but I can’t tell you how much I’m going to miss the smiles, the jokes, the laughter, and the accomplishments of these first students of mine.

In other news, I am now halfway finished with my independent thesis project! So far I’ve written fifty pages – five short stories – and have been pleasantly surprised by how I’ve been able to stay on the schedule I set for myself this semester.  I think what I’ve written so far is pretty good, and feel like my writing is getting better and better as I continue.  My other coursework this semester has been very interesting and immediately useful in the classroom, however much more tedious for me (oddly enough) than my own project.  And while I could have picked an “easier” or shorter or less independent project, I think I made the right choice in pursuing my own idea, even if it takes more work.

Lastly, I cannot tell you how excited I am for this semester to be over. I only have a week off from teaching, but am so grateful to have a few weeks off from classes. I got burned out fast this semester with some seriously heavy course loads, and while I know at least one of my classes next semester is going to be pretty heavy, I’m happy to know that the known heaviest class will be over in a week. Hallelujah.

It Gets Better

Though certainly not less stressful.

I am pleased to report that I have felt much better in the past week and a half than I have in weeks. A few of my strategies are working! Yay!

Happy Things This Week:

- two sixth grade girls asking if I could skip student teaching to going straight to being their head teacher because I’m their favorite

- hearing a different sixth grade girl’s fantastic singing voice, and her aspirations to become a professional singer and donate her money to Down’s Syndrome research

- conferences with four students on their persuasive essays, and feeling sincere gratitude and a growing positive relationship with all of them

- finally seeing Phantom of the Opera and inspired the 8-year-old in me that used to walk around with that tape constantly in my Walkman

- getting to hear my old piano teacher play in a concert

- coming home to discover that some sweet boy I know had washed the dishes that were in my room

- reading Oliver Twist and realizing there is good reason why it’s considered a classic

- having my master’s project mentor call my writing “hot stuff”

- my mom gifting me a turquoise wool beret

- spending a weekend in colorful New Hampshire with my family and my dog

Evolving

Yesterday was my first day I lead a lesson on my own in my sixth grade ELA class. I was really nervous, mostly because not only was this my first time leading, but my fieldwork advisor was also observing me, but I think it went pretty well. I had the advantage of working with the students in this class over the past two months (where the biggest “behavioral” issue we have is that they won’t stop reading independently when we ask them to put their books away), so I at least felt comfortable with them. Now that I think about it, I think I would feel most comfortable if it could ever be just them and me, so I wonder if my cooperating teacher will eventually have me try that out.

Anyway, I was pleased that my students responded to me pretty well. I think it has helped that I have been there from the first day of school, so while they know I’m not a head teacher, I have had a consistent presence in their classroom. They already feel comfortable asking me questions or conferencing with me during class, so taking it to the next step of leading seemed like a natural progression. Maybe I’ll ask one of my students how they think I did though. I know many of them really like me, but that does not always keep sixth graders from being honest.

“I think, therefore I am”

Oh hi, so as it turns out, I have some good ideas to try and feel a little more sane.

• Taking Showers at Night: I actually like mornings once I’m up, but getting up at 6am to be at school for 8am has been a bit rough on me. I haven’t been sleeping all that well, and feel the stress of getting up early when I go to bed. Many of my teachers had mentioned that they take their showers at night, in part so as not to disturb their S.O.’s with hair drying (though I haven’t been doing that even by myself) and in part to sleep a little longer. I don’t take long showers, by any means, but ten extra minutes to sleep in the morning would be much appreciated. I was also thinking that taking a shower at night may help me fall asleep faster and sleep better. Maybe, maybe not, but trying it this week.

• Cutting (Way) Back on TV: I don’t watch as much TV as the average American – and in fact don’t even have a television set in my bedroom, but I have a theory that even the amount that I do watch is a) too much even if I didn’t have one million school things to do and 2) negatively affecting my psyche. I do enjoy watching my shows when I’m watching them (all on Hulu), but I have noticed that I feel drained or a little down after it’s over. And yet I just end up wanting more to watch. As it turns out, I’m not the only one with this theory that too much TV can contribute to depression, as I found articles all over the internet about studies proving it – and aside from the sedentary lifestyle that can lead to obesity. Even with some exercise, watching TV can still have a more powerful effect over your mental health. Right now, I watch How I Met Your Mother, Glee, Modern Family, Parks and Recreation, The Office, Grey’s Anatomy (don’t judge), and Ringer. I also normally watch Make It Or Break It, Chuck, and 30 Rock, which haven’t started up for the season yet, occasionally watch The Simpsons and Family Guy, and I only recently stopped watching Jersey Shore. Maybe you watch more than I do, maybe you watch less, but considering how I’ve been feeling lately, I think it’s time to cut back on my TV time. Since How I Met Your Mother, Modern Family, and Parks and Recreation are probably my favorites, only half an hour, and aren’t soul-draining dramas, I’m going to try only watching these shows for a few weeks to see if my theory holds water. Plus, I should probably set a good example for my sixth graders.

• Forcing Myself to Read for Pleasure: I read twenty books this summer, and loved every minute of it. Since the beginning of the semester, I have only been half-heartedly chipping away at The Once and Future King amid the massive amount of reading and papers I have for school. It’s not that The Once and Future King isn’t a good or entertaining book – it is – but it is also a little dense with older English and is not a plot-driven, cliff-hangery story, so I haven’t felt strongly compelled to read it at every opportunity. Anyway, it has come to my attention that I need to read a book that I can’t put down. Neil Gaimon’s novels usually serve me well in that respect, so I was thinking of finally picking up American Gods, which I have been told will be a real treat. In the meantime, I also have Oliver Twist downloaded on my Kindle, so perhaps Dickens will leave me wanting more… (had to). Unlike watching TV, finishing a book is an extremely satisfying experience for me, so I hope that giving myself that pleasure will help my mood and stress.

• Yoga, Going Outside, and Cooking: Stop being lazy, Kate. You know they make you feel good.

That’s all for now, just thought I’d share my ideas in case they help anyone else with similar needs! I can do this!

Unrelated, this is a photo from a trip to the Bronx Zoo last weekend. Aw, baby giraffe!

Also seen at the zoo, how cute is this antelope squirrel?

Just Breathe

Lately I have felt like there aren’t enough hours in a day for all that I have to do.  I have Mondays and Fridays unscheduled so that I can use that time for homework, and yet I still can’t end up spending at least another weekend day on homework in addition.  It’s time well spent, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like I never have an opportunity to just stop and relax.  And it’s going to be like this until at least May…

I am not usually one to get stressed out, but because I’ve also been grossly overtired from early mornings turning into 12+ hour days, I have been feeling really overwhelmed about everything over the past two months.  Oddly enough, my thesis is the one thing that isn’t stressing me out…

Anyway, if anyone has ideas about how to manage the stress and overtiredness, please let me know.  Also, if you have some kind of time warp device that could give me a few more hours in a week, that would be amazing.

Why I Am Becoming a Teacher

I spent an hour today lounging on bean bags, taking turns reading and talking about a short story with three really sweet sixth grade girls.  At one point, one sixth grade boy came over and asked when he would get a chance to come out in the hall to read with me.

One sixth grade boy randomly half-hugged me when we were about to go down for lunch.

I spent fifteen minutes helping a really sweet sixth grade boy build some confidence in his social studies classroom.  He wished me a great weekend as he left.

One of the three girls from the morning reading session was looking for a teacher to sign an assignment sheet, and when I said I wasn’t sure if I counted or not because I’m only a student teacher, she said, “Of COURSE you count!  You help so much in our class!”

These are the precious moments I get to call “work.”  It’s incredible.

Keeping Busy

When I complete my master’s degree in July, I want high fives from everyone.

As you may have guessed by my lack of updates, life has gotten crazy busy with student teaching, classes, working on a theses, and everything else.  I am exhausted most of the time, but feeling more ambitious than ever, and that’s promising.  The other wonderful thing about student teaching is that no matter what feeling I might be dealing with in my personal life, I not only HAVE to turn it off at work, but teaching keeps me so busy and energized that I don’t have time to dwell on negative feelings, and have often found that those feelings go away after an hour or two with my awesome kids.  Perhaps that will change once I get used to teaching and constantly having something to work on, but I do know from experience that I’m much happier when I’m busy than when I have too much free time.  I will say for this for teaching, that it is the most physically, emotionally, and mentally taxing job I have ever had – and totally worth it.  Haha, I didn’t anticipate that it would be as hard on my feet as retail though!

And now because I should get started on my homework, I’ll leave you with this hilarious anecdote from last week:

Scene: Staff bathroom at school

Me: (sitting in a stall)

7th Grade Teacher (who has met me multiple times): (walks in) “Is somebody in here?”

Me: “Yeah”

7th Grade Teacher: “Who is it?”

Me: “Kate”

7GT: “Why are you in here?”

Me: “I thought it was the bathroom I was supposed to use…?”

7GT: “The staff bathroom?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m a student teacher… Am I supposed to use a different bathroom?”

7GT: “Ohhhhhhh I’m so sorry, I thought you were a 7th grader named Kate… You should lock the front door next time.”

She only heard my voice, so this mistake is fair, but this is a bathroom with multiple stalls, so it seemed reasonable for me to not lock the door!  In any case, I’m just glad I didn’t get detention!

September Stuff

After a month of hanging out in NH and CA, I started by student teaching fieldwork last week.  First, I spent two days attending planning meetings and helping to set up the classroom (which was like a dream come true to my elementary school self always wanting to make signs).  And then on Thursday, the sixth graders arrived.  I admit that I was pretty nervous and unsure of what to expect from the first two days with the kids, but it was completely awesome.  Granted, most of the time so far has been playing icebreaker and reflective games (which took WAY more planning to make happen than I would have thought), but it was wonderful to interact and start getting to know the kids – who are honestly pretty adorable.  I’m really looking forward to spending a semester with them, and already anticipate being sad to leave them (and my co-teachers) in January.  Yay teaching!